Substitutes - There is no Substitue

Oh holy hell. I was looking forward to one damn thing today and that was political science class. That meant I wasn't going home, to sit on the couch, while I kept telling myself that I was going to get up and exercise every 15 minutes - and yet never actually do it. But what did I have to deal with when I walked into class? A substitute - that was as entertaining as paint drying. OMG! The one girl warned me as I was walking down the hall. She flagged me down to tell me that there was a sub - and she had him before - and he was BORING! She isn't a liar.

He droned on and on and on - the subject was the judiciary branch. When he got to "code" law he proceeded to explain about Europe, and how the Celtics were overtaken by the Romans who were overtaken by the Vikings who then moved to an island (probably because they were embarassed). My mind wandered to the geometry homework that I needed to work on when I got home---------------I began to doodle-------------he then explained how the Vikings were ultimately defeated by the French----------------wait a minute--------------did he say the French beat the Vikings? ----------------------what the fuck?----------------- the French actually won something? And they kicked the shit out of the Vikings. --------My mind wandered to men in metal helmet with horns sticking out the sides wearing pink tu-tus running from men wearing berets----------------------then I began taking notes:

European League
Celtics lose to the Romans, Europe now speaking Latin
Romans defeated by Vikings - not sure what language they are speaking - probably Spanish like half of America now
In an unpredictable upset, the Vikings are spanked by the French - Europe now saying things like "Ooh, la, la" and "croissant"

It was 3 useless hours after that.

I am Updating my Blog

There, now Jackie will be happy. I am updating my blog. Are you happy now Jackie? LOL

Let's see, what has been going on?

Well, first of all, I am finally gainfully employed - no longer on the dole - and am contributing to my 401K again. Great news! Now I can retire in 40 fucking years. Ugggggg.

My new job took me to Las Vegas last week for a conference. I was in Vegas for a day and a half and didn't even get to the strip. The conference was about 30 minutes off the strip. WTF? Why fly everyone to Vegas and keep them from the strip? Doesn't make a whole lotta sense to me - but I am simple.

School is cranking along. I am also getting an A in my Political Science class. I think I have posted this before, but I really like this class. Tonight I got the paper back that I had to write about "The Republican Noise Machine". The book completely blew, but my paper turned out much better than I had ever anticipated. Of course, it took me about three weeks to write it. It was torture. Who in the hell wants to read a book about what someone else thinks about politics, much less write about a book about what someone else thinks about politics? I sure as hell don't. The comment I received on the paper (alongside my A+) was: "Excellent work! Both a good examination of the book and of the overall topic." I got a few notes in the margins like "ha, ha" and "interesting" and "good points". The paper was complete bullshit with a bunch of funny anecdotes splashed in here and there. I had every intention of making it completely serious, but alas, I am not capable. What a bad, bad, bad book. Do not waste your time reading it.

But where there is an A, there is also a C - in geometry. It still seems Greek to me, it is a wonder I get any of the problems right. I will be happy when the class is OVER next month. I am going to get drunk.

What else...............................oh, we got a new couch. I big ass leather sectional. The thing is HUGE. I am not so sure I like it, but it was a compromise between what I like and what my husband likes - which is ugly assed poofy furniture. He goes directly for comfort and not looks (which might be why he married me come to think of it).

Jehovah Witnesses

I have been waiting for a package to arrive for a few days now. So, this morning when the dog barked to announce that someone had pulled up I opened the door to see who it was - fully expecting it to be an UPS truck or the mailman to deliver my package. Much to my dismay, it was a mini-van. Shit, that could only mean one thing at 11:00 in the morning on a weekday - Jehovah Witnesses. I thought about slamming the door shut and just ignoring them, but they had seen me and were starting to get out of their vehicle. I stood on the porch as I watched them meander down our stone pathway in the rain as Nanner (the alarm) followed behind. Damn dog, why couldn't she have made a stand and kept on barking. No, no - she has to let them out of the van to see if they might have some treats or whatnot. That is what the propane delivery guy brings and she seems to think everyone else should be on the same program. They manage to make it to the porch as I greet them with a "what the fuck do you want" stare. They smile and begin to tell me what a beautiful place I have. Yeah, yeah - just get on with it already is all I can think. But I tell them thanks. Then the pamphlets start flying. They ask me if I think we should live for just today or should we make longer term plans. I tell them I think living for today is fine because there is no guarantee of tomorrow. They really didn't like that answer. Then they ask me if I have kids. I had many, many smart-assed comments running through my head like, "No, the authorities took them away." Or, "No, they told me since I married my brother that I really shouldn't have kids." But instead I admitted that I had one. They wanted to know how old my kid was, for the one had 2 kids and the other had 3 kids and they were worried about how scary it can be nowadays for kids. I told them my kid was grown. They looked at each other in surprise and then looked back at me. One exclaimed that I didn't look old enough to have a grown child. While I should have reveled in the compliment I had to tell them that I got started pretty early and live a very clean life. They smiled at that (HA!). Then the one pulled out her bible and opened it. Well, that was about all I could take. I politely touched one of them on the arm and told her I appreciated that she came over and walked down the path in the rain, but I didn't have time to chat with them. Again, I had many options running through my head as to why like, "I need to get back to my lover before my husband got home", or "I was in the middle of sacrificing a goat when you pulled in", or "I need to get back to cleaning my guns." But I opted for a much nicer lie and told them I needed to get into the shower because I had a meeting to get to. Of course they left me the pamphlets which I now have sitting on the counter tormenting my husband. LOL

My Sister Came A Visitin'

Okay, do you all remember the a capella story I told a while back? Well, my sister came over this weekend and we were talking about this and talking about that when the subject of movies came up. She mentioned she has gone to see the new Jody Foster movie (which she highly recommends). I mentioned I saw 3:10 to Yuma (which I recommend). We were discussing these different movies when she says, "Did they show the singing group before your movie?" To which I replied, "Why yes, yes they did. And I laughed my ass off." Oh, we started giggling at the memory of those grown men prancing around the stage making there animated faces. She said she was giggling at the movie theater as she watched the spectacle of it all and some lady asks loudly, "What is so funny?" Well, apparently that was all it took and she proceeded to howl like a mad woman. This, apparently, completely offended the questioner, which - my sister said - made her howl even more. She said she almost had to dump out her popcorn so she could use the bag to breathe into to keep from hyperventilating. So there it is folks, there is no denying that we are sisters. I just thank god that we weren't in the same theater at the same time. The authorities might have been called. *SNORK*

Wanna-Be Midget Cowboys & Urban Cowboys

So, I was at school the other night and noticed a cowboy hat out of the corner of my eye. As I turned to see who might this "cowboy" be I also noticed that the wearer of this cowboy hat was sporting some seriously U-G-L-Y fake snake skin boots. Immediately the word "cowboy" went out of my head. This guy was a wanna-be. Upon further inspection I noticed this wanna-be had a large mass of jangling keys attached to his belt loop. He had the hat, complete with a big ole sparkly hat band. He had the belt and he had his boots. Oh boy, oh boy. But instead of a rope and a horse he had a dust rag and a garbage can on wheels. Yes, he was the janitor. At first I thought maybe it was closer to Halloween than I realized. Afterall, I have been on unofficial summer vacation for a few months now. Hell, most of the time I don't know what day of the week it is. But I digress. To make things worse with this wanna-be, and my friend Paige will completely enjoy this part, this wanna-be was about 5 feet tall. And keep in mind, he had at least an inch of heel on those fake ass snake skin boots. Then I felt bad, why can't he dress up like a cowboy as he cleans toilets and sweeps the halls? It is America afterall. If he wants to look like some freak ass midget cowboy janitor then who am I to say?

Then just tonight the thought of this wanna-be came to mind and it spurred me (no pun intended) to watch Urban Cowboy. Oh my, oh my. I watched that movie for a month straight on cable when I was a kid. When Bud spoke the words, "Some cowboys are smart real good", it all came rushing back. My friend Lisa and I would watch it over and over and over again when it came on tv. One thing I have to say though - the movie has some awesome music. And at the end? When Bud put Sissy's nameplate back in the window of his truck. Well, I got tears in my eyes.

No Job, 3:10 to Yuma and Old Folks

I was ever so productive today - yeah right.

First, this morning I talked to the company that I have had 4 interviews with in the past few months. Yes, 4 fucking interviews and they have yet to tell me to hit the road or hire me. They are really starting to piss me off. Of course my ex-boss keeps telling me to remain patient and that I need to realize that the bigger companies such as this one that I have been speaking with are sometimes slow to react. Well, I say they need to shit or get off the pot because I am about done playing games. Of course, I cannot really tell them I am tired of them jerking my chain since, afterall, I am without employment at the time. But it still pisses me off.

Now, since it was actually supposed to rain today (which it did not), and I was pissed off about not being able to get this job offer yet - I decided to got the movies and sulk in a bag of popcorn, some chocolate covered raisins and a big ass soda. So, I took a shower, brushed my hair, put on a bra and headed to town. 3:10 to Yuma was my next stop.

My life has become so mundane that I found myself flirting with the guy working the concession stand. Oh yes, yes - I did. I placed my order and his helper girl told me that they were out of butter - just so I knew. Before I could stop myself, I scrunched up my nose, made a pouty face and told the popcorn guy that it was okay, I knew it wasn't really butter. Then I smiled (oh, I forgot to mentioned I also whitened my teeth this morning) and told him I knew it was really oil wasn't it. He said yes, to which I replied that there were better things to put oil on than popcorn. How bad it that. He did get what I was implying though, and grinned and agreed that yes, there were better things to put oil on. *SIGH* I have become a lonely housewife flirting with the twenty-somethingish guy who probably still lives in his parents' basement.

Okay, now on to the movie itself - well almost.

Am I the only one who was shocked that most of the people at the 1:15 movie on a Tuesday afternoon are all over the age of 60 (well, except me)? And that they, apparently, like to talk during the entire movie. The ladies behind me seemed to think that they knew exactly what was going to happen next (which, by the way, they did not). And there was this couple sitting to my right. During the previews the wife asked the husband if the movie was going to be violent. Except she said "violet". Her husband corrected her several times emphasizing that she ment viOleNt, not violet - making very sure that he pointed out the O and the N in the word. It was falling on deaf ears.

As I sat there mulling what my life has become - listening to the old folks watching the commericals and previews - what comes up on the screen, but an ad for a local a capella group. The ad asked if we knew that there was an award winning a capella group in the area. Why no, no I did not. But before I could even care, up on the screen comes about 100 men all dressed the same singing a song about someone loving them and nobody believing that this person loved them. Gosh, color me surprised. Then the camera panned in for a close-up shot of these men. I about choked on my popcorn. You should have seen the faces they were making as they sang. It was way over-the-top. Their eyes would get very big and they would make these twisted animated faces. One of the ladies behind me exclaimed, "My heavens, they appear to be in pain." I couldn't stop giggling after that. I mean seriously, I had tears streaming down my face and every time they'd show another close-up someone in the audience would snicker - which really sent me into fits. I couldn't stop.

Luckily the movie started shortly thereafter and I was able to compose myself. Aside from the commentary from the the old ladies that thought they were Angela Landsbury or something - the movie was very good. I have always liked Russel Crow and Christian Bale ain't too bad to look at either. So if you get a hankerin' for a decent Western, I'd recommend 3:10 to Yuma. However, I'd not suggest seeing it in the middle of the week, in the middle of the afternoon. On second thought, yes I would. Because maybe then I'd have better company. LOL

Take That, Dad

Many of you know that my dad passed away over two years ago (my goodness, has it been that long). Oh gosh, it will be 3 years in February. Where does the time go. Anyway, my dad was a bit of a prankster. He especially liked to pull pranks on my mom. My sisters and I? Well we figured him out when we were pretty young - probably because he passed along what we call his "shithead" gene to us girls and we thought too much like him to fall victim. Heck, one winter, my youngest sister came home from school to find my mom sitting on the floor by the wood burning fireplace crunching pieces of newspaper into a very neat, specific shape. She was making extreme efforts to start at one corner, roll them ever so tightly at a diagonal as she scrunched it all to the center. Oh, she apparently had quite the pile of these pieces of paper. "Why?", you ask, was she doing such a ridiculous thing? Dad. Yep, dad had told her that if she rolled them that way they would burn better, thus starting the fire better. Now, you all must realize that my mother had been married to my father for over 20 years at that point. Needless to say, she was quite gullable. My dad came into the house with an armfull of wood as my sister gave a sideways glace my mother's direction. My dad gave my sister his signature shit eating grin and a wink - which was a sign not to let on to my mom that she (my sister) knew what he was up to. Of course, my sister let my mom finish her project before she informed her that dad had just played a joke on her.

So why am I retelling all of this? Because this morning I was dusting my fireplace mantle and I remembered that story. And on my fireplace mantle I have this wood carving of a man with crazy-ass hair on a motorcyle that my daughter gave me for mother's day the year before dad passed away. On that wood carving is a necklace that my daughter braided. On that necklace is a locket that has some of dad's ashes in it (I know, gross - but it made my mother happy). My dad was a bike rider - so we couldn't help but to put that necklace on the carving. Next to that carving is another wood carving of a giraffe that I bought in the Virgin Islands. You know, because there are ever so many giraffes running wild in the Virgin Islands. So, as I was remembering dad and his antics, I thought I would put that giraffe's butt right up against the motorcyle rider. Try to fix that, dad. LOL Now, if that fucking giraffe is moved tomorrow morning - well I guess then dad is still the king of pranksters.

Don't Tell Anyone

Seriously, I cannot believe I am about to say this....................it seems something weird is going on..............and I don't even have a full moon to blame it on.................................okay, here it goes: I caught Justin Timberlake on Oprah yesterday and now I am considering going out and buying his CD. *GASP* Now, now - in my defense, he was on there with Reba singing a duet. So in reality I was watching Reba and he just happened to be there. But I found him completely adorable when he was talking to Oprah. What is up with that? To make things seem even more desparate, I even went and checked out his website. *Gasp* I am not completely gone, though - as I didn't sign up for his enewsletter nor did I become a member of his fan club. But I do have a trip planned to Wally World tomorrow to pick up some tomatoes for a pasta receipe I saw on Rachel Ray and I am stopping by the music section.............................I need help. Or maybe I just need a fucking job so I stop watching so much tv in the afternoons.

Don't Give the Professor Sugar

Alright, I admit it - I like listening to my political science professor lecture. He is a complete nerd, and if I had actually paid any attention in civics or history in highschool I'd probably not find it as enlightening. But I didn't, so I do. And, this was a class that I was dredding having to sit through. The guy has started to grow on me. However, tonight the little feller was a bit of a lunatic. He'd start out behind the podium, move in front of the podium, sit on the table beside the podium and at one point actually laid on the table beside the podium. He was making jokes only he found amusing - okay, one of the 18 year old kids was laughing too - but that doesn't count because 18 year olds don't really know what is funny. And he couldn't seem to stop himself from doing impressions - bad impressions. His George Bush sounds exactly like his Ross Perot. Finally, after class was over he did apologize and say that he had too many Dr. Peppers. Thank goodness, I was beginning to think he had spent too much time in his other classes today doing his Darth Vadar impression, thus restricting his oxygen intake (I told you he was a geek). When class started he went to Youtube to show us a clip from one of the Republican debates - but before he found what he was looking for he showed us the Dramatic Chipmunk. Have you seen this? It is funny as hell, but not nearly as funny as watching him giggle like a little girl while he watched it.

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Isn't America grand! You can get laid off, collect unemployment, and can watch tv all day long. Actually I only watch Rachel Ray in the morning and then do chores and projects. But this morning during a commercial, I was flipping the channels and low and behold, there it was, The Jerry Springer Show. It was like a car wreck. I knew there would be moral consequences for watching it - all with the hope of seeing some carnage or blood or something disgusting. But I couldn't help myself I stayed there for several minutes in awe. I watched enough of it to see two pale, hairy, ugly, skinny men in spandex half shirts and shorts on either side of a chunky, equally pale girl as the man on the right contended that he only slept with the girl's brother twice (he was the man on the left). The man on the right was explaining that he was just experimenting with her brother - but he LOVED her.

Good gracious - I feel like I need to shower just re-telling the tale. How do people watch that shit? Maybe I was doing it wrong. I had showered, brushed my teeth and didn't have on a moo-moo or lycra pants. I was eating oatmeal instead of smoking a Marlboro drinking a Millwaukee's Best. Maybe that was the problem. There was even a nasty chick in the audience lifting up her shirt to show a handwritten note on her stomach that said "HI MOM". Her mother must be so proud.

Sucker or Savior? You be the judge.

Today is the day that I either:
1. Became a sucker
2. Did a good deed

I'd like to hope that it is #2. This afternoon I was at the gas station, finishing up pumping my gas, when I heard an "excuse me". I turned to see an average looking man in his 50's. He proceeded to tell me that he is driving his wife, who is disabled, to Columbia, Missouri. Her mother, who is in her 80's, just had a heart attack and they needed to get to the hoptital. I turned to the area he was gesturing to and saw a very heavy women (okay, she was FAT) sitting in an old chevy. He continued to tell me that he stopped at several churches to ask for assistance in getting his wife to see her dying mother, but they wouldn't help him. He asked me if I believed that they wouldn't help him. He said he couldn't understand it - that churches were supposed to help - but they wouldn't. I told him I had a few bucks to spare and gave him $10. But I looked him straight in the eye and told him that I never believed in Church, but I do belive in God and good deeds. I told him that I also believe that there is a hell and that if he is taking my $10 to scam me then he will most likely be burning in that hell. He took the money with some apprehension, thanked me and then walked over to the gas pump and pumped his gas. The more I think about it, the more I think I am a sucker. Oh well, it was part of the unemployment check I got on Friday anyway - so it really wasn't my money for very long anyway. LOL

Paige Told Me to Update My Blog

.........and so I am.

It seems my extended summer vacation (0therwise known as unemployment) continues. I did manage to go on an interview last week. I haven't heard a peep good or bad about it - so I am following the old saying, "No news is good news." The interview felt good. The folks I talked seemed like folks I could work with and have a good time working with. The job would be a great job. Time will tell.

In the meantime, I have started more outdoor projects since the temperatures have subsided a bit. I have managed to remove a wood fence and almost replace it with electric tape. The tape will go up tomorrow. During this project, I got to use my new cordless saw. I really love that saw. It is now my most favorite battery operated tool. It seems to make me sweat more than my previously favorite battery operated tool. And, I can use it outside in broad daylight without worrying about someone dropping by unexpectedly. LOL

I have also managed to add "staining the deck" to my list of things to do. I thought this project would be quick. Yeah right. I managed to get about 1/3 of the deck cleaned this afternoon. I bought a nifty brush on the end of a pole that you hook up to the garden hose. I had no idea that f*cking deck was so filthy. And it ain't a small deck. The thing goes from the front of the house around the entire side. I think it is about a big as a football field - or it seems that way when you have a 10 inch brush on the end of a pole trying to scrub it clean.

My college classes began last week. I have managed to subject myself to Political Science, Geometry and Computer Information Systems this semester. Poly Sci is being taught by a man that finds himself much more humorous than I do. And to make matters worse, there are two "kids" in the class that seem to think the man is a funny, funny guy. I am seriously thinking about bribing them with candy at the end of each class if they promise to cease laughing at the man. My Geometry teacher is Sister John. It seems odd to me that a Sister would be teaching about lines, planes, rays, congruent angles and such nonesense. But she is there, and I do find her amusing. She caught me snickering about two hours into the class the other night and thought the look on my face meant I was confused. HA! Thankfully, the Computer Info Systems class is an on-line class. We had to post three things about ourselves so that our fellow classmates could get an idea of who their classmates are. This is what I posted:

Three things about myself:
1. People tell me I look like Christy Brinkley
2. I think I look like Christy Brinkley
3. I tend to drink a lot which makes me exagerate the truth

All the other posts were completely respectable points about my classmates like what their major is, if they have kids, are married, in the service, bla, bla, bla. How boring is that. If I cannot have fun with my education, I am giving up. Just wait until my Poly Sci professor gets to read my paper on "The Republican Noise Machine." He is going to regret ever telling us to make it interesting and if we want to express our opinions to please feel free to add any arguments. Oh he does not know the power he has just given me. Mooooo, haaaa, haaaa, haaaa.

Is It Thursday Already?

Where does the time go? It is like being on summer vacation when you were a kid. I have only been home this week without a real job and I have already lost track of the days.

Well, I met with the outplacement guy yesterday - at the mall - while I watched teenage girls wearing too much makeup parading around as teenage boys followed them. There was also your occassional retired couple and of course mothers with strollers looking like they just needed to get out of the house and see other grown up human beings.

My guy, Paul, was what I expected. A white male in his late 50's who hadn't had a corporate job for sometime now. He was an old HR guy - another big surprise. Oh, he was nice enough, but I kept finding my mind wandering to the Aunt Annies Pretzles that sat across the way, just behind his head. I am already bored of the process with this ouplacement service. I am already bored of the tests and of the workbook I am supposed to fill out using descriptive adjectives to describe myself. I told him it was all bull shit (and I used those words). He didn't understand. I told him it was all crap, fake, bullshit and I didn't want to network, I didn't want to "think outside of the box", I didn't want to call myself a professional marketing analyst. I told him the lady standing on the corner was a professional. He didn't find the humor in it. That's okay, I did. LOL

After my 2 hours at the mall with Paul, I found myself at Eckerts Orchard hoping that they had some peaches. They had some and today I will be making a beautiful peach cobbler after I go get some grain, pick up the weed wacker that I broke earlier this week, and try to find a laptop computer for the kid to go off to college with. Wish me luck.

Scratch Mechanical Abilities Off My Resume

So, it seems the fates have shown me that I will not become a landscaper. For you see, I had asked my dearest husband some weeks ago to replace the blade on the weed wacker and put the string head back on it. Did he do so? No he didn't. So this morning I called him at work and asked him how to go about changing it out. I have some serious trimming to do around the place. He said there was a manual, that it was easy. Okay, so I get out the manual. It seems very simple. I manage to get the blade off - look at the manual - complete with pictures and everything - and then screw on the string head. Wa-la. It was done. I start the wacker and nothing, the head won't spin. What the hell? I looked at the pictures and everything, it should work. But it was not. My nephew even came over, a smart young man with mechanical abilities. He cannot get anything to budge. So there went my plans for the afternoon of trimming around the house.

Dearest husband comes home and I ask if he wants to look at the weed wacker. Of course all I get is a grunt and a eye roll. He takes one look at it and tells me I apparently forgot to leave some part on it when I put the string head back on. Ummm, no I did not. I even got out the manual. See, look at the picture, that part is not in it. I looked at it several times. No part. He said it was there, you just couldn't see it. What the hell? What do you mean I cannot see it. It isn't in the damn picture. So now I have to take the stupid thing to the lawn mower repair shop tomorrow and see if they can get it fixed. I am going to tell them my husband did it. LOL

Unemployment

I know I probably should be working on my resume, or possibly networking but I just cannot bring myself to focus. Ahhh, yes networking............I hate that word. It is a really sucky word. Who in the hell wants to "network"? It sounds so grown up - so damn formal. It sounds like it you must say it with an air of an accent like Thurston Howel the Third from Gilligan's Island. "Yes, I do believe I will go network with the gents down at the club." Gag!


Today is what, my official 8th day of unemployment. But really, these first days don't count since I was really on vacation - and getting paid as my last week of work. Since tomorrow is Monday, I suppose I really should call the outplacement service and set up an appointment to go speak with them. I did manage to take my "personality and professional assement". I cannot wait to see what the results are. I can probably guess it will say something like Jodi doesn't play well with others and finds stupid people to be a waste of her time. I further suppose I will be sitting at the food court at the mall meeting with the guy assigned to me as we sip Starbucks coffee and I pretend to give a shit about what he thinks of me and what his idiotic test has to say. But a girl has got to get a job to pay for all these ponies, so I will go. And I will smile. And I will try my best to pretend I am excited about this awesome change in my life. Fuck that. I worked for the same company for 13 years. It was comfortable. I like comfortable. I own comfortable shoes, I wear pants with lycra so they strech and are comfortable around my love handles. I don't find this change so comfortable right now. I thought I would. I have been telling myself it will be great. Yeah, until it really happened. So now I am enrolled in community college trying to finish a degree I should have finished 15 years ago while I look for a job to pay the bills. Ain't being an adult just grand.